Dear Reader,
There are many professions that are created because of imperfect circumstances. In a perfect world, we wouldn’t need professions like doctors, soldiers, policemen, firemen, garbagemen, and politicians. I am sure that there are many people in these professions that (if there was no need for their occupation) would happily hang up their coats and equipment after the horrors they have seen. There might be some moments where they missed the excitement and fulfillment that those jobs provided, but they could also rest well knowing that humanity had no more need of their services. In a perfect world there would also probably not be any cowboys, because all of the cattle would be tame.
But cowboys would not politely hang up their gear because they were no longer needed. They might, after some convincing. But when left to their own devices, with no clear job or defined mission, cowboys can get into trouble.
It would start off fairly innocent. They would bum around in their trucks, visiting each other and talking about the wild old days while they watched their well-mannered cattle graze and then come into the pens to be taken care of before politely leaving again. But when bored cowboys get to talking, things always happen. Because God forbid they all become farmers.
Their first act of bored rebellion would be a mission to break and tame all the horses. But that would only last for a little while, because what good is a well-trained horse if there are no cattle to chase? This would create a Boston Tea party event, where cowboys would organize themselves and, in the dark of night, start cutting fences and driving the cattle out into the wild—just so that they have a reason to round them up. And don’t think that this is extortion, because they wouldn’t charge a dime to have the opportunity to chase cattle. But since these cattle are rather docile and probably bucket trained, this would be a rather unsatisfying and short-lived solution.
This is when the cowboys will have to break a long-held pact, upheld by generations of cowboys. They will have to break out their carefully-hidden brains that they have hidden so well. You see, the stereotype of dumb, uneducated, shoot-anything-they-don’t-understand cowboy, is just so the public will leave them alone. If the ranch bossman finds out you know how to keep the records or have a have a knack for educating the public and advocating for pro ranching policies ha, you will never be allowed on the crew again and stuck inside forever. But desperate times call for desperate measures.
Suddenly, long-eared Brahman cattle will be all the rage: because it is a lean, red meat and will decrease cholesterol consumption. You will start seeing studies done about how “wild foraging” cattle creates the healthiest beef, and is closer to what our ancestors ate. There will also be ecological and psychological studies done to show how having cattle grazing the wild lands are better for the ecosystem and the psychological well-being of cattle. But, in reality, cowboys are secretly promoting the breed to introduce some “wildness” back into the genetic pool.
Once “wild grazing” becomes popular, hunting trips for cattle will start to pop up to “help you connect to your inner hunter gather and to detox from society,” with all of the scientific backing necessary. You will soon find cowboys at wellness seminars, talking about the benefits of sharpening your instincts as you ride a horse in the wild while hunting for hidden cattle to bring back into the fold to make sure there is no overgrazing. Thus, connecting your human instincts to provide and protect in a primitive environment.
But soon the craze of going on “cattle hunting retreats” will lose its charm on corporate America, and they will just leave it to the crazy cowboys, who will quickly and quietly slip off their coats and ties, grab their gear, and head for the barn.
And, suddenly, the tension of humanity will go down a notch; because cowboys have a job and are not harassing or conning the rest of humanity.
Sincerely,
The Ranchers Daughter
From the Rancher's Daughter's Desk 